Lunchtime Spam » LunchtimeSpam.com

Serious Test

Chris — Sun, 17 Jan 2010 11:17:05 +0000

Sit comfortably and be calm.

This is a serious test, not a joke…

Put your thinking process aside - i.e. put your brain in neutral gear.

1- Find the C below. Do not use any cursor help.

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you have already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3- Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!

Oh. One more test....

Find the 44th USA President.

Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!

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Dear People of the United Kingdom

Chris — Fri, 24 Jul 2009 22:28:23 +0000

10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

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HOW TO PISS PEOPLE OFF

Chris — Fri, 05 Jun 2009 12:43:57 +0000

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors."
Specify that your drive-through order is "TO-GO."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what you think."
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc" them to your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears and grimacing.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
Staple pages in the middle of the page.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a croaking noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints at the cash register.
TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
type only in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times.
"DO YOU HEAR THAT?"
"What?"
"Never mind, it's gone now."
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "No, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Ask people what gender they are.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Sing along at the opera.
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."

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A Few Useful Phrases for 2009

Chris — Thu, 16 Apr 2009 13:17:17 +0000

Some good ones to get around the office.

* SALAD DODGER.
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

* SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive person.

* TESTICULATING.
Waving your arms around and talking bollocks.

* BLAMESTORMING.
Sitting round in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

* SEAGULL MANAGER.
A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.

* SALMON DAY..
The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die.

* CUBE FARM.
An office filled with cubicles.

* PRAIRIE DOGGING.
When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
(This also applies to applause for a promotion because there may be cake.)

* SINBAD.
Single working girls. Single income, no boyfriend and desperate.

* AEROPLANE BLONDE.
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

* PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE.
The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.

* OH - NO SECOND.
That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake (e.g. you've hit 'reply all').

* GREYHOUND.
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

* JOHNNY-NO-STARS.
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no-stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

* MILLENNIUM DOMES.
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually naught in there worth seeing.

* MONKEY BATH .
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go: 'Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!'.

* MYSTERY BUS.
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the
toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so
the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

* TART FUEL.
Bottled premixed spirits, regularly consumed by young women.

* TRAMP STAMP
Tattoo on a female

* PICASSO BUM.
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's got 4 buttocks

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A Wee Joke

Chris — Fri, 06 Mar 2009 08:46:10 +0000

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School.
Usually, she slept through class.

One day her teacher, a nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
"Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?"

When Mary Margaret didn't stir, little Johnny, who was her friend
sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

"God Almighty!" shouted Mary Margaret.
The nun said," Very good" and continued teaching her class.

A little later the nun asked Mary Margaret, "Who is our Lord and
Savior?"
But Mary didn't stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the
butt.

"Jesus Christ!!!" shouted Mary Margaret and the nun once again said,
"Very good," and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The nun asked her a third question... "What did Eve say to Adam after
she had her twenty-third child?"

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, "If you stick that thing
in me one more time, I'll break it in half!"

...... The nun fainted.

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New Office & New Policies

Chris — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 13:57:00 +0000

OFFICE

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE March 1, 2009

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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FACEBOOK IS BAD!!!

Chris — Fri, 27 Feb 2009 13:47:00 +0000

START AT THE BOTTOM AND READ THE RED TEXT UP!!!
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From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:55 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
HAHAHA LMAO epic fail
No worries man
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:50 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
I believe the proof that you are after is below

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________
From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:43 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Niresh,
My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager’s discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested.
Thanks
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:39 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. You line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion.

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________
From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:38 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Niresh,
1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons.
Thanks
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:35 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21^st 2008.
Thank You
NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au

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The Mathematics of Motion

Chris — Thu, 26 Feb 2009 13:50:00 +0000

Define Sinusoidal or Harmonic Motion?

This is a quick lesson in physics for all engineers and others who wonder about these sort of things.

For non- Engineers:

This is Sinusoidal Motion

But Trained Engineers

Know This As Harmonic Motion

However To My Trained Engineering Eye
This is Classic S inusoidal & Harmonic Motion?

I Like to Keep 'A Breast' Of All Classic Mathematical and Engineering Problems

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Advanced Driving Course

Chris — Mon, 23 Feb 2009 17:38:00 +0000

A BAD DAY

I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay - see guy standing on it?
Call out the breakdown truck!

Coming back up...coming...coming

Coming...almost there!

Ooops!

I could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck!
Time to get a bigger crane!

Ok, we got the car...let's get the other truck now!

O...O...oohhh No!!
Who's gonna explain this one to the insurance guys?
SEE..your day has not been so bad after all...
One question: How did they get that one out?

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Ha Ha Ha!

Chris — Sat, 21 Feb 2009 17:27:00 +0000

HSBC Bank is very pleased to inform you that we are installing new 'Drive-thru' cash point machines where our customers will be able to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

To enable our customers to make full use of these new facilities we have conducted intensive behavioural studies to devise appropriate procedures for their use.

Please read the procedures which apply to you and remember them for
when you use our new machines for the first time.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Wind down your car window.

3. Insert card and enter PIN.

4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.

5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.

6. Wind up window.

7. Drive away.

PROCEDURES FOR OUR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the cash machine.

2. Reverse back the required amount to align car window with cash machine.

3. Re-start the stalled engine.

4. Wind down the window.

5. Find handbag, remove all contents onto the passenger seat to locate card.

6. Turn the radio down.

7. Attempt to insert card into the cash machine.

8. Open car door to allow easier access to the cash machine due to the excessive distance from the car.

9. Insert card

10. After "Invalid Card' is displayed? Remove Marks & Spencer Charge Card and Insert correct Cash Point Card.

11. Remove Cash Point Card.

12. Re-insert Cash Point Card the right way up.

13. Re-enter handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.

14. Enter PIN.

15. Press 'Cancel' and re-enter correct PIN.

16. Enter amount of cash required.

17. Check make-up in rear view mirror.

18. Retrieve cash and receipt.

19. Empty handbag again to locate purse and place cash inside.

20. Place receipt in back of cheque book.

21. Re-check make-up.

22. Drive forward 2 metres.

23. Reverse back to cash machine.

24. Retrieve card.

25. Re-empty handbag, locate card holder and place card into the slot provided.

26. Restart stalled engine and pull off.

27. Drive for 2-3 miles.

28. Release hand brake

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