Lunchtime Spam

10 Downing Street London SW1 Dear People of the United Kingdom Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early). Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination). Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate. Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government. Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle. Sincerely, Gordon Brown

OFFICE

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW

 

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE March 1, 2009

Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

START AT THE BOTTOM AND READ THE RED TEXT UP!!!
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From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:55 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
HAHAHA LMAO epic fail
No worries man
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

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From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:50 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
I believe the proof that you are after is below


NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________
From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:43 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Niresh,
My leave was due to medical reasons, so you cannot deny leave based on a line manager’s discretion, with no proof, please process leave as requested.
Thanks
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

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From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:39 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Usually that is the case, as per your contract. However please note that leave during these occasions is only granted for genuine medical reasons. You line manager has determined that your leave was not due to medical reasons and as such we cannot grant leave on this occasion.

NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au
_____________________________________________
From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:38 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Niresh,
1 day leave absences do not require a medical certificate as stated in my contract, provided I have stated that I am on leave for medical reasons.
Thanks
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

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From: Niresh Regmi
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:35 a.m.
To: Kyle Doyle
Subject: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
Hi Kyle,
Please provide a medical certificate stating a valid reason for your sick leave on Thursday 21^st 2008.
Thank You
NIRESH REGMI
Real Time Manager, Workforce Operations
Ground Floor, 30 Ross Street, Glebe, NSW, 2037
T: +61 2 9009 1329 Extn:61329
F: + 61 2 9009 1734
W: www.aapt.com.au
E: niresh.regmi@aapt.com.au

Define Sinusoidal or Harmonic Motion?

This is a quick lesson in physics for all engineers and others who wonder about these sort of things.

For non- Engineers:

This is Sinusoidal Motion

But Trained Engineers

Know This As Harmonic Motion

However To My Trained Engineering Eye
This is Classic S inusoidal & Harmonic Motion?

I Like to Keep 'A Breast' Of All Classic Mathematical and Engineering Problems

A BAD DAY

I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay - see guy standing on it?
Call out the breakdown truck!

Coming back up...coming...coming

Coming...almost there!

Ooops!

I  could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck!
Time to get a bigger crane!


Ok, we got the car...let's get the  other truck now!

O...O...oohhh No!!
Who's gonna explain this  one to the insurance guys?
SEE..your day has not been so bad after all...
One question:  How did they get that one out?