10 Downing Street
London SW1

Dear People of the United Kingdom

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of the economy, your Government has decided to implement a scheme to put workers 50 years of age and older on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE (Retire Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be RAPED can apply to the government to be eligible for the SHAFT scheme (Special Help After Forced Termination).

Persons who have been RAPED and SHAFTED will be reviewed under the SCREW program (Scheme Covering Retired Early Workers). A person may be RAPED once, SHAFTED twice and SCREWED as many times as the government deems appropriate.

Only persons who have been RAPED can get AIDS (Additional Income for Dependants & Spouse) or HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel Early Severance). Obviously, persons who have AIDS or HERPES will not be SHAFTED or SCREWED any further by the government.

Persons who are not RAPED and are staying on, will receive as much SHIT (Special High Intensity Training) as possible. The government has always prided itself in the amount of SHIT it gives out. Should you feel that you do not receive enough SHIT, please bring this to the attention of your local MP. They have been trained to give you all the SHIT you can handle.

Sincerely,

Gordon Brown

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DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE March 1, 2009

Dress Code:

1. You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
2. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
3. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
4. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

• Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
• Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
• Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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From: Kyle Doyle
Sent: Wednesday, 27 August 2008 9:55 a.m.
To: Niresh Regmi
Subject: RE: Absence on Thursday 21^st 2008
HAHAHA LMAO epic fail
No worries man
Regards,
Kyle Doyle
Resolutions Expert - Technical

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For non- Engineers:

This is Sinusoidal Motion

But Trained Engineers

Know This As Harmonic Motion

However To My Trained Engineering Eye
This is Classic S inusoidal & Harmonic Motion?

I Like to Keep 'A Breast' Of All Classic Mathematical and Engineering Problems

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I could have sworn I hit the brake pedal!
Car upside down in the bay - see guy standing on it?
Call out the breakdown truck!

Coming back up...coming...coming

Coming...almost there!

Ooops!

I  could have sworn I set the brakes on that truck!
Time to get a bigger crane!


Ok, we got the car...let's get the  other truck now!

O...O...oohhh No!!
Who's gonna explain this  one to the insurance guys?
SEE..your day has not been so bad after all...
One question:  How did they get that one out?

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All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost. Workloads getting to you?
Feeling stressed?  Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)

Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.

Apply as shown in Fig 3.

Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

Cheers!

The Management

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AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

"HONEY, 40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT
21-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

NOW I HAVE A $800,000 HOME, A $65,000 CAR, A KING-SIZE BED
AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

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BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

BBC    NORFOLK
Stewart White:   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        I don't know.
White:                I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:        Arm.
White:                Correct.  And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:       Strong.
White:                Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:        Louis.
White:                Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:   What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant:       France.
Trelinski:           France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:       Oh, um,  Benidorm.
Trelinski:           Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.  In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:       Sorry, I don't  know.
Trelinski:           Just guess a country then.
Contestant:       Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK   (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant:          The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:                              For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:   I think I know that one.  Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:   What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:                  Goosey?
GWR FM   (Bristol)
Presenter:     What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:   I  don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:               What's 11 squared?
Contestant:   I don’t know.
Phil:               I'll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:   Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:           On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:   Er. .
Leslie:           He makes bread. .  .
Contestant:   Er . . .
Leslie:           He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:   Kipling Street?

LINCS FM   PHONE-IN
Presenter:      Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:    Barcelona.
Presenter:      I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:    I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY   (BBC1)
Question:       What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:    The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:    Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in1918?
Contestant:           Magna Carta

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:         How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er.. .er... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:    In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:     Japan.
Searle:    I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:     Er ...  Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:                              How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause):   Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:           In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:                 Holland?
Denham:                     Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:                  Iceland?  Ireland?
Denham (helpfully):    It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant:                  No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:           What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:   Er .  .
Wood:           It's got two syllables . . . Kor .  .
Contestant:   Blimey?
Wood:           Ha ha ha, no.   The past participle of run . .
Contestant:   (Silence)
Wood:           OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:    Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:          Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW   (BRMB)
Presenter:     What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:   Jewish.
Presenter:    That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:         Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.   Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:  Jesus

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As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for
all the emails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit
in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft
are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or
from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven
million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died interstate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails
to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't even pick up the five dollars I found dropped in the car park
because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting
under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on
your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back .

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and
it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after
a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards,

Your friend

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