Lunchtime Spam

NOTICE TO ALL EMPLOYEES!

All personnel will now be required to look happy while working. Company-approved supplies will be provided to each employee at little or no cost. Workloads getting to you?
Feeling stressed?  Too many priorities and assignments?

Here is the new low-cost, company-approved solution to cope with multiple priorities and assignments!

Each employee will be supplied 2 paper clips and rubber bands. (See Fig 1.)

Assemble items as shown in Fig 2.

Apply as shown in Fig 3.

Enjoy your day. This new office equipment will help you to reach the end of a productive work day with a smile on your face!

Cheers!

The Management

My Wife Puts 40 Years of Marriage into Perspective!

AFTER BEING MARRIED FOR 40 YEARS, I TOOK A CAREFUL LOOK AT MY WIFE ONE DAY AND SAID,

"HONEY, 40 YEARS AGO WE HAD A CHEAP APARTMENT, A CHEAP CAR, SLEPT ON A SOFA BED AND WATCHED A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV, BUT I GOT TO SLEEP EVERY NIGHT WITH A HOT
21-YEAR-OLD GIRL.

NOW I HAVE A $800,000 HOME, A $65,000 CAR, A KING-SIZE BED
AND A PLASMA SCREEN TV, BUT I'M SLEEPING WITH A 61-YEAR-OLD WOMAN.

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU'RE NOT HOLDING UP YOUR SIDE OF THINGS."

MY WIFE IS A VERY REASONABLE WOMAN.

SHE TOLD ME TO GO OUT AND FIND A HOT 21-YEAR-OLD GIRL, AND SHE WOULD MAKE SURE THAT I WOULD ONCE AGAIN BE LIVING IN A CHEAP APARTMENT, DRIVING A CHEAP CAR, SLEEPING ON A
SOFA BED AND WATCHING A 10-INCH BLACK AND WHITE TV.

AREN'T OLDER WOMEN GREAT?

THEY REALLY KNOW HOW TO SOLVE YOUR MID-LIFE CRISIS.

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE   (BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman:     What is another name for 'cherrypickers' and cheesemongers'?
Contestant:              Homosexuals.
Paxman:                   No. They're regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.

BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

BBC    NORFOLK
Stewart White:   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        I don't know.
White:                I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:        Arm.
White:                Correct.  And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:       Strong.
White:                Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:        Louis.
White:                Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:   What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant:       France.
Trelinski:           France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:       Oh, um,  Benidorm.
Trelinski:           Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.  In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:       Sorry, I don't  know.
Trelinski:           Just guess a country then.
Contestant:       Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK   (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant:          The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:                              For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:   I think I know that one.  Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:   What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:                  Goosey?
GWR FM   (Bristol)
Presenter:     What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:   I  don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:               What's 11 squared?
Contestant:   I don’t know.
Phil:               I'll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:   Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:           On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:   Er. .
Leslie:           He makes bread. .  .
Contestant:   Er . . .
Leslie:           He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:   Kipling Street?

LINCS FM   PHONE-IN
Presenter:      Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:    Barcelona.
Presenter:      I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:    I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY   (BBC1)
Question:       What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:    The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:    Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in1918?
Contestant:           Magna Carta

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:         How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er.. .er... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:    In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:     Japan.
Searle:    I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:     Er ...  Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:                              How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause):   Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:           In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:                 Holland?
Denham:                     Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:                  Iceland?  Ireland?
Denham (helpfully):    It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant:                  No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:           What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:   Er .  .
Wood:           It's got two syllables . . . Kor .  .
Contestant:   Blimey?
Wood:           Ha ha ha, no.   The past participle of run . .
Contestant:   (Silence)
Wood:           OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:    Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:          Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW   (BRMB)
Presenter:     What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:   Jewish.
Presenter:    That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:         Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.   Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:  Jesus

Dear Friends

As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for
all the emails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit
in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft
are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or
from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven
million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died interstate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails
to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't even pick up the five dollars I found dropped in the car park
because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting
under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on
your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back .

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and
it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after
a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards,

Your friend

1. This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
   (Kelly age 6)
2. Oysters' balls are called pearls.
   (James age 6)
3. If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
   (Wayne age 7)
4. Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
   (Kylie age 6)
5. A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
   (Billy age 8 )
6. My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
   (Emily Burniston age 5)
7. When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
   beans.
   (William age 7)
8. I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
   How do mermaids get pregnant?
   (Helen age 6)
9. I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
   screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
   (Amy age 6)
10. Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
    (Christopher age 7)
11. When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
    willy small.
    (Kevin age 6)
12. Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
    (Becky age 8 )
13. On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
    (Julie age 7).