BEG, BORROW OR STEAL (BBC2)
Jamie Theakston:   Where do you think Cambridge University is?
Contestant:             Geography isn't my strong point.
Theakston:              There's a clue in the title.
Contestant:              Leicester.

BBC    NORFOLK
Stewart White:   Who had a worldwide hit with What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        I don't know.
White:                I'll give you some clues: what do you call the part between your hand and your elbow?
Contestant:        Arm.
White:                Correct.  And if you're not weak, you're...?
Contestant:       Strong.
White:                Correct - and what was Lord Mountbatten's first name?
Contestant:        Louis.
White:                Well, there we are then. So who had a worldwide hit with the song What A Wonderful World?
Contestant:        Frank Sinatra?

LATE SHOW (BBC MIDLANDS)
Alex Trelinski:   What is the capital of Italy?
Contestant:       France.
Trelinski:           France is another country. Try again.
Contestant:       Oh, um,  Benidorm.
Trelinski:           Wrong, sorry, let's try another question.  In which country is the Parthenon?
Contestant:       Sorry, I don't  know.
Trelinski:           Just guess a country then.
Contestant:       Paris.

THE WEAKEST LINK   (BBC2)
Anne Robinson: - Oscar Wilde, Adolf Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: - Prison, or The Conservative Party?
Contestant:          The Conservative Party.

BEACON RADIO (WOLVERHAMPTON)
DJ Mark:                              For 10 Pounds, what is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis:   I think I know that one.  Is it Jewish?

UNIVERSITY CHALLENGE
Bamber Gascoigne:   What was Gandhi's first name?
Contestant:                  Goosey?
GWR FM   (Bristol)
Presenter:     What happened in Dallas on November 22, 1963?
Contestant:   I  don't know, I wasn't watching it then.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC RADIO MANCHESTER)
Phil:               What's 11 squared?
Contestant:   I don’t know.
Phil:               I'll give you a clue. It’s two ones with a two in the middle.
Contestant:   Is it five?

RICHARD AND JUDY
Q: Which American actor is married to Nicole Kidman?
A: Forrest Gump.

RICHARD AND JUDY
Leslie:           On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant:   Er. .
Leslie:           He makes bread. .  .
Contestant:   Er . . .
Leslie:           He makes cakes . . .
Contestant:   Kipling Street?

LINCS FM   PHONE-IN
Presenter:      Which is the largest Spanish-speaking country in the world?
Contestant:    Barcelona.
Presenter:      I was really after the name of a country.
Contestant:    I'm sorry, I don't know the names of any countries in Spain.

NATIONAL LOTTERY   (BBC1)
Question:       What is the world's largest continent?
Contestant:    The Pacific

ROCK FM (PRESTON)
Presenter:    Name a film starring Bob Hoskins that is also the name of a famous painting by Leonardo Da Vinci.
Contestant:   Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

THE BIGGEST GAME IN TOWN (ITV)
Steve Le Fevre:   What was signed, to bring World War I to an end in1918?
Contestant:           Magna Carta

JAMES O'BRIEN SHOW (LBC)
O'Brien:         How many kings of England have been called Henry?
Contestant:   Er, well, I know there was a Henry the Eighth ... er.. .er... Three?

CHRIS SEARLE SHOW (BBC RADIO BRISTOL)
Searle:    In which European country is Mount Etna?
Caller:     Japan.
Searle:    I did say which European country, so in case you didn't hear that, I can let you try again.
Caller:     Er ...  Mexico?

PAUL WAPPAT (BBC RADIO NEWCASTLE)
Paul Wappat:                              How long did the Six-Day War between Egypt and Israel last?
Contestant (after long pause):   Fourteen days.

DARYL DENHAM'S DRIVETIME (VIRGIN RADIO)
Daryl Denham:           In which country would you spend shekels?
Contestant:                 Holland?
Denham:                     Try the next letter of the alphabet.
Contestant:                  Iceland?  Ireland?
Denham (helpfully):    It's a bad line. Did you say Israel?
Contestant:                  No.

PHIL WOOD SHOW (BBC GMR)
Wood:           What 'K' could be described as the Islamic Bible?
Contestant:   Er .  .
Wood:           It's got two syllables . . . Kor .  .
Contestant:   Blimey?
Wood:           Ha ha ha, no.   The past participle of run . .
Contestant:   (Silence)
Wood:           OK, try it another way. Today I run, yesterday I . . .
Contestant:    Walked?

THE VAULT
Melanie Sykes:   What is the name given to the condition where the sufferer can fall asleep at any time?
Contestant:          Nostalgia.

LUNCHTIME SHOW   (BRMB)
Presenter:     What religion was Guy Fawkes?
Contestant:   Jewish.
Presenter:    That's close enough.

STEVE WRIGHT IN THE AFTERNOON (BBC RADIO 2)
Wright:         Johnny Weissmuller died on this day.   Which jungle-swinging character clad only in a loincloth did he play?
Contestant:  Jesus

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As we move closer to the end of another year I wanted to thank you for
all the emails you have forwarded to me over the past year.

I must send a big thank you to whoever sent me the one about rat shit
in the glue on envelopes, because I now have to use a wet sponge with
every envelope that needs sealing.

Also, I now have to wipe the top of every can I open for the same
reason.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it all to a sick girl who
is about to die in the hospital for the 1,387,258th time. But that
will change once I receive the $15,000 that Bill Gates and Microsoft
are sending me for participating in their special email programs. Or
from the senior bank clerk in Nigeria who wants me to split seven
million dollars with me for pretending to be a long lost relative of a
customer who died interstate.

And I need no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels
looking out for me.

I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward emails
to seven friends and make a wish within five minutes.

I no longer drink Coca-Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer can buy petrol without taking a friend along to watch the
car so a serial killer won't crawl in my back seat when I'm filling
up.

I no longer go to shopping centres because someone will drug me with a
food sample and rob me.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a
number and then I'll get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica , Uganda ,
Singapore and Uzbekistan .

I can't even pick up the five dollars I found dropped in the car park
because it was probably put there by a crazed axe murderer waiting
under my car to grab my leg.

If you don't send this email to at least 144,000 people in the next 10
minutes, a large pelican with an acute case of diarrhoea will sit on
your head and fleas from 12 camels will infest your back .

I know this because it actually happened to a friend of my next door
neighbour's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's plumber - and
it was on Good Morning Australia.

By the way.... did you know that a South American scientist has, after
a lengthy study, discovered that people with low IQs who don't have
enough sex, always read their emails while holding the mouse.

Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.

Regards,

Your friend

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Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I
endeavoured to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations, three
'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and
the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of
course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement,
which, I admit, has been in place for only thirty eight years. You are
to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also
for debiting my account £30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
caused to your bank.

My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has
caused me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I
personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to
contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging,
pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on,
I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.

My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally
and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person
to open such an envelope. Please find attached an Application Contact
Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it
runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her
as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that
all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a
Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation
(income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by
documented proof.

In due course, I will issue your employee with PIN number which he/she
must quote in dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than
28 digits but, again, I have modelled it on the number of button presses
required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further. When you call me, press
buttons as follows:

1 - To make an appointment to see me.

2 - To query a missing payment.

3 - To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.

4 - To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.

5 - To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.

6 - To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.

7 - To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer
is required. A password will be communicated to you at a later date to
the Authorized Contact.)

8 - To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through to 8.

9 - To make a general complaint or inquiry, the contact will then be put
on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While
this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play
for the duration of the call.

Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client

(Remember: This was written by a 98 year old woman;
DOESN'T SHE MAKE YOU PROUD!)

No related posts.