Lunchtime Spam» LunchtimeSpam.com

New Office & New Policies

Chris — Sun, 01 Mar 2009 13:57:00 +0000

OFFICE

DUE TO THE CREDIT CRUNCH, THIS IS YOUR NEW

NEW OFFICE POLICY - EFFECTIVE March 1, 2009

Dress Code:

You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:

We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements in your place. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the 'Chronic Offenders' category. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Breaks:

Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

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What Do You See In This Picture?

Chris — Fri, 20 Feb 2009 17:18:00 +0000

Lovers or Dolphins?

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What pets do when you’re at work

Chris — Mon, 16 Feb 2009 17:51:00 +0000

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HAVE YOU SMILED TODAY?????

It is done by moving the corners of the mouth

upward.
LET ME SHOW YOU HOW..............

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NOW PASS IT ON AND MAKE SOMEONE ELSE SMILE!!!

Just in case nobody has smiled at you today....

If ya spot it, ya got it.

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Traffic Question

Chris — Sat, 07 Feb 2009 07:59:00 +0000

Answer the question before looking at the picture:

Why men are probably more patient drivers than women! Answer this simple traffic question.

Q: You are driving along a narrow two lane road with a NO PASSING sign posted, and come upon a bicycle rider. Do you follow this slow-moving bicycle rider for the next 2 miles, or do you break the law and pass?

At this point I should point out that most men would choose the correct answer.

A: The answer is of course that you would not take an unnecessary risk but wait patiently?

If you are unclear why we would choose this option view the evidence at hand…

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Children Writing About The Sea…

Chris — Fri, 30 Jan 2009 16:15:10 +0000

This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles.
(Kelly age 6)
Oysters' balls are called pearls.
(James age 6)
If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island . If you don't have sea all round you, you are incontinent.
(Wayne age 7)
Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily Richardson. She's not my friend no more.
(Kylie age 6)
A dolphin breaths through an arsehole on the top of its head.
(Billy age 8 )
My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs.
(Emily Burniston age 5)
When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be better off eating
beans.
(William age 7)
I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant?
(Helen age 6)
I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think they have to plug themselves into chargers.
(Christopher age 7)
When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small.
(Kevin age 6)
Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other.
(Becky age 8 )
On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot up her fanny.
(Julie age 7).

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A bloke that looks like a thumb

Chris — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 09:41:45 +0000

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